My night at the Club

Evening Party People!
      So what's new in your world? That's what I'm always asking so as to remind myself to never stop being amazed with life's details. A great man once said,"Life moves pretty fast, if you're not careful, you could miss it."

      I'm pretty excited these days for a few reasons. Number one (in no particular order) is that Jennie is moving in with me! I'm so excited about this new addition to the household! For what seems to be forever it's only been Oscar and myself. Now Jennie will be here 24/7 and she's bringing her pup Stu. Stu is a small chihuahua/dachshund mix and Oscar is an old grump cat, let the sitcom begin!
      Another reason I'm so excited about this is that it's been a long time since I've really shared my life with someone. I know I've dated many gals in the past few years with varying degrees of closeness but nothing as personal as living with that someone. After my marriage I guess I've been afraid that I would hurt any relationship I had in the same way. Well that fear is just going to have to take a back seat as I've confronted it and now it's time to move that aspect of my life forward! I mean we can't be the sum of our errors forever right? Sooner or later we all have to start being a person again.
      Hey speaking of past relationships, I ran into my ex wife at a club I was filming =s  How's that for awkward?
      It was funny, when I saw her walking into the club I was filled with panic. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. Was she going to see me and walk right out? That would have made thing easier in some ways but I would have felt bad that my mere presences fucked up her evening. Was she coming in with someone she's dating? If so would I do something stupid in response?
      Those were just some of the thoughts that I was able to keep track of as many others were moving so fast, emotions flared to an intensity that I haven't felt in a long time, and in the end I felt numb. I took a deep breath and after a few minutes I walked over and said hi. I complimented her on how she looked and then we chatted for a few more minutes and I went back to filming.
       Over the next hour I tried not to notice her but at the same time I was very curious about her. It was the strangest thing. She seemed happier than I have ever seen her. It made me feel good to see that. Honestly I'm happier than I have ever been in a long time and I don't think I would have ever made it this far if I had stayed married. I always felt a little guilty about that but seeming her laugh and giggle as she danced I knew deep down that she'd found a new happiness in her life just like I did.
        The weird part was watching some dude hit on her in the creepiest way. I'm not sure if she was into him or not but I was certain that it was none of my business. It its weird seeing someone who you were once very close to with someone else. Lucky for me I'm a different person and so is she.
        There was something else I noticed that night. Something that didn't really sit with me all to well, then again this never did. I was outside smoking a cig with a couple of other guys. A few gals who had just shown up were walking into the club. You know what? before I go on let me tell you about this club because it matters to this story.
        Club Fullfilled is the name and if you want to know more about it you can check out the site here at www.clubfullfilled.com . Club Fullfilled is a BBW club focusing on size acceptance. What is size acceptance? It's about being comfortable in your own skin regardless of how big or small you are. Now I've been heavy most of my life but I never felt desirable till about ten years ago. I know that could be said for a lot of us but when you're a heavy person you never really feel like you're a part of the world. Everything I saw on TV or in the movies were of athletic attractive people, rarely did I ever see someone who was fat. If I did they were usually playing a character who was either a coward or an idiot, if it was a heavy gal she was either a frail emotionally crippled gal or a bossy bitch. This club seeks to do away with all of those preconceptions so as to accept the 'Size" so you can see the "Person".
        Ok
         At that point one of the guys said there would be after a few more beers. I was pretty disheartened by that statement. If there were ever a place where big people like myself could be safe from dumb shit like that you'd figure this would be the place, I guess not. Let me say this Party People, I've been with quite a few women , some were very attractive and some were not but I would never deny ever being with them because of how they looked or even worse, say I was only with them because I was drunk. My first girlfriend in high school was a little person and I caught some shit from some of my friends for it. I got teased about it and they talked about her as if she wasn't even a person. I almost got into a fight or two about this but in the end they just stopped teasing me about it. In the end maybe they understood that I was dating that gal for me and not for them so they could take there stupid judgment and go fuck themselves with it. Years latter I hooked up with a gal who was a chubby chaser, the sex was good but she'd never introduce me to her friends who did nothing but chase thin pretty boys.
          As much as I'd love to continue hating these people I feel sorry for them. I'm not sure if they'll ever accept that high school is over. There is no more cool clique, no more cool table to sit at during lunch where people could admire your status among the unremarkable crowd. There is only you and your life, the only opinion one should ever care about is that of one's own existence. Does this make me happy? Does this person inspire something good in me be it love lust or just pure intrigue? Would I like me if I were to spend time with this new person?
          This life is short Party People and I think we miss out on so much when we think of what other people think about us. Ego gives a shit about that stuff, not our head and hearts.

           Till next time Party People,
           Keep on a Chooglin!

some of My Favorite things ...

You ever find something so new, so cool that you can't wait to share it with everyone? I did, as a matter of fact about 80 million other people did too with this video.

http://youtu.be/d9NF2edxy-M

It's a cover of a Gotye song which led me to search for the original version which was this

:http://youtu.be/8UVNT4wvIGY

I immediately downloaded the new album and was in heaven. There's nothing like discovering new music, to discover new lyrics,sounds, ways of communicating. Music is one of the special things that really sets humanity apart from all the other life forms on this planet. Next to mental telepathy what other form can translate emotion from one body to another?

The night I downloaded the album Jennie and I went to drive around the city and listen to the whole album. This was great on two levels, the first being the album itself, the other was sharing it with Jennie. One of the fonder memories I have from my youth was listening to whole albums with my brother Drew back in Lucerne or with my friend Clay back at the 12st house. So to be able to do this with her was pretty important to me.

The next day I shared the videos with many of my co-workers at the hotel. Just about everyone was into it as well. I felt good about sharing this new awesome thing with people who would probably never have come across it! I was on a bearer of good news high all day. That was untill later that night when Jennie and I were watching New Girl via Hulu. As it turns out during the episode there were commercials for Glee and guess which one of the songs they'll be singing on an upcoming show?

Fucking young people ><

Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!

All I ever wanted has come and gone, so what's next?

Evening Party People!

so what can I tell you tonight? Well life is pretty good right now. Most of my goals that I've set for myself have come to pass with various degrees of success and I couldn't be happier. Or could I?

I find myself in a strange place these days, between the veils of contentedness and an unsettling restlessness. Maybe a better way to put it is that I'm hoping that I wont take a sledgehammer to all I've built. OK maybe not so doom and gloom but thats whats on my mind.

I'm excited really, this is the situation I've always wanted to be in. To have finished a bunch of projects with tyhe question,"What do I want to do next?" on my mind. If anything I'd like to start performing again. I havn't done an open mic in a long time, perhaps I should start there? I have two original songs under my belt, whose to say I can't write more?

I think at the root of the next step is to find a way to get back on stage. It's where I feel alive, useful, at the pulse of the planet feeling the flow of life touch all in creation. Yes I know that sounds pretentious but for those of you who have been on stage you know what I mean!

Tonight while my sweetie has been napping in the next room I started work on my next song, perhaps later I'll continue work on the next episode of the sneaker guy. Point is that I have many baby steps in front of me and I can't wait to take that next step!

The Fear of Change as it jingles in the ether...

What started as a ripple has grown into waves of cascading crashes against what was one my everyday life. I hear notes that stroll on the outskirts of earshot. I try to listen but I only get pieces of a melody , it's calming, soothing, I know if I could just move a little closer or if it would just venture towards me that the joy of such sweet music would fill my heart. Fill my heart, yes. All music's power loses it's luster over time, in order to breath life into it I must exhale it from out my lungs so others might feel the same way , the way I once did, how I feel now.

My old life is slipping away, along with it all the ideas that I carried that made up who I was as a person. It's change. Something I've always strove for, always ahead of me, just out of reach. As I sit in silence with only my breath to keep my company I see and feel this "change" beside me, smiling, taking pieces of me and tossing them aside, as some court jester throwing away my armor before a battle.

"Don't be afraid .", he says. He leaves me with only what he thinks I will need. I wonder if the holes in my armor will be death of me.

"These injuries are unavoidable on the path to your future, don't think of them as new scars but as a cosmetic surgery, only without the local"

I've waited so long for all this to happen.

"Just breath ." he says "don't be afraid."

I go out walking, under the moonlight...

Evening Party People!

       So what's new? Well life keeps changing all the time, or perhaps it's not changing but I'm the one who is different? It's kind of hard to get perspective on how things really are in your own life while you're living it,right? That's why I've been trying to remove myself from my life for about an hour at a time a few times a week. I do this by going on walks through my neighborhood. Granted I'm sure it's only a matter of time before people start to think I'm casing the houses in Tempe, but untill then I'm going to take advantage of the anominity.

        Normally I go on these walks early in the morning, around 6-7, meaning it's quiet. This early in the morning most of the young people are either sound asleep or just getting to bed so I don't have to worry about traffic as much. Tonight I went out around 10 pm and I found that I had a different experience at that hour. Why was it different? I'm not sure to be honest, maybe it was because there was no sunrise to greet me, or maybe it was the few stars that I could see once I got to the town lake that helped center me in a way that I haven't been since I was living in Lucerne.
      
       There's something about looking at the stars at night. When it's day light we can see and end or a ceiling to everything around us. At night we see the cosmos and truly have a sense of the infinite that surrounds us. If you're not sure what I'm talking about might I suggest that you step out of the house one night and find a place where you can see as many stars as possible. To do this you'll have to find a place where there isn't a lot of light so perhaps you should take someone with you when you do this. When you find a spot look up into the sky and take a deep breath. Try to imagine the whole universe that lies above you. Think of all the stars and planets that surround them in its entirety. Close your eyes and realize that the universe isn't only above you but below you and behind you. It can seem a little daunting when it hits you but at that point , take a deep breath and feel your feet and how they connect to the ground. I find that when I do this I have a sense of insignificance yet with location, considering the vastness of everything, location is more than enough.

        After that go home and watch Better Off Dead and look for the scene with the strung out math teacher, You'll thank me for this, trust me ^^

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!

The Unexpected arrives right on time!

Happy Superbowl Sunday Party People!

Ok I don't want to shit all over the Super Bowl but doesn't it seem like every year we treat this more and more like a real holiday? Perhaps it is, I have a funny feeling that this will be one of those years where I don't observe this particular holiday. I think I'll quit before I go any further, I didn't jump online to bitch about a bunch of people being happy.

Yesterday was a pretty big day for me. It marks me making my first big mistake with a shoot I did for a restaurant. I won't go into any of the details but basically I wasn't as prepared as I should have been and as a result I didn't get any of the shots I wanted. Granted I got what I needed but perhaps that was the whole point in all of this, real funny God =P All kidding aside I was pretty upset at myself when I left the restaurant.

It's funny at how something that would have sent me in a depressive tailspin only a few years ago only pisses me off. I left the restaurant and needed to buy some smokes and grab a bite to eat before I met my friends at the Icehouse for a jam. I hate eating fast food these days but the only thing close was a McDonald's close to where I used to live on Indian School Rd. As I approached McSatan's burger shack I noticed that they had built a Panda Express right next to where I was heading.

Maybe it's because of all the sugar or the chicken, or the sugar coated chicken but I love me some Panda Express! I sat down to inhale my dinner which left me a little more satisfied than a value meal from next door. I opeed my fortune cookie expecting to get something that read like,"That wasn't chicken". To my suprise it said something more profound.

Focus on your Art and Creativity

It hit home with me, as did the coming indigestion. It reaffirmed my intent from a few years back which was in order to confront my destructive nature I would counter by being constructive. I can't tell you how I've salvaged some pretty horrible days in my life by writing, or painting and what not. Now it seems that was once just an effort has evolved into a fully functioning safety net from which I move forward everyday.

I then left to grab some smokes and some drunk guy was standing out front of the Circle K talking (or slurring) on the phone trying to get directions to a restaurant. Funny thing was that the place he was so desperately trying to find was two blocks away. I thought about helping him but the irony as well as the metaphor were so intense I couldn't deprive the rest of the world from seeing this. I can only hope it was as apparent to everyone else as it was to me.

As for the jam it was great! Jennie came to watch for a bit but the music was so mellow she was starting to doze off so she headed off home. We sat and talked for a bit before she left and all I can say is that I'm so glad she's in my life. I went back upstairs to the jam after she left and things started to become clearer amidst the chaos.

I found myself taking more chance than I ever had been before in this jam. Mostly because I started making up lyrics to some of the music we were creating. What this meant to me was that after all this time I think I'm starting to trust myself in the way that I've always wanted to. Is this what freedom feels like?

Till next time Party People!
Keep on a Chooglin.

Damn the Doctor!

      Morning Party People, before I start I need to tell you that I need to be up for work  in two and a half hours. Not off to a good start I know but I felt the need to do some writing.

      Tonight my sweetie was supposed to come over but she wasn't feeling well. It was a bummer but it's not like we don't see each other almost everyday. I took a nap around 4 and woke up around 10 tonight. When I woke up I was pissed that I slept so long, I hate losing precious time that I could have been doing something. I hate it even more when I waste that time. So why am I so pissed about time lately?

      Earlier this week I had three days to do anything I wanted, 36 hours of free time! I think I spent about 3 hours actually working on my business ad another hour organizing paperwork for my taxes. That left me with 31 hours that I didn't work on my next baby step. This isn't my normal behavior as of late, this is more like my behavior from a few years ago. Perhaps that's why I've felt so uneasy lately. It's probably why I'm writing this instead of going off to sleep, I have to do something creative or my mood will continue to worsen.

Ok that's enough introspection, lets take a look at the world around us shall we?

Football is America's Alcohol:
      I know it might sound a little harsh but lets be honest. If there was anything that ever wanted me to not watch another game it was this whole Penn State affair. Now before I go on I'll give full disclosure as I'm am not knowledgeable of Papa Joe's career other than he won a lot of football games. I know I've read many reports with various points of view on the matter. Some are chastising him for not doing more, some are asking for forgiveness that one "lack of judgment" shouldn't define a whole career. To that I say Michael Jackson has made countless songs that will never be forgotten but after every song is finished playing we'll always think of MJ as the guy who might have fucked a bunch of sick kids. John Lennon is one of my favorite artists of all time but as much as I love his music I know he was also as horrible a man as great as he was an artist. So what's the difference?
       I guess it comes down to where a person draws the line. I can live with a person being an asshole, I can't however live with a person being a coward. Am I being to harsh? Am I being to callous? I asked myself this question for the past week before I wrote this and I kept coming back to the same question,  "Why wasn't more done?"
       I don't mean to ask the question in a "Why did this have to happen?" sort of way. I know why this shit happens, some sociopath with no compassion hurts an innocent person and then a cycle of abuse ensues that passes down generations. It's almost as if a new form of predators were evolving in the way that virus spreads through a town, it's not meant to kill our bodies, just our humanity. No I was asking the question of what had stopped the coach from doing more, or for that matter what stopped the guy who witnessed the attack?
       Perhaps it was shock, I can buy that at first but what about how they felt the next day? Or the day after that? I'm sorry but the biggest atrocities that happen in this world don't come from some evil monster or a demon that lies in wait from the shadows, it comes from our own cowardice to confront the harsh realities in our lives. I find that it's amazing how destructive we can be by simply not doing anything to right a wrong. Who knew being so passive could be so harmful? I think there were many people that had worked very hard to make Penn State what it was and anything that undermined that was better left ignored. I honestly believed that many of the people who knew about this didn't want to think it was all true. To know it was true would undo all the great accomplishments that Penn State had achieved. Will sadly guys, it was true, and it had undone all that you have created. As far as I'm concerned at the root of all of this deception was the desire to win Well you did win, and all you had to do was sacrifice the hearts of some kids that no one will probably ever get to know.
       Is the a way out of this? More than likely but they aren't going to like it. A sacrifice of pride is required, not to appease an angry mob but as to set an example. A demonstration of true strength needs to be shown in the fact that they can wear their shame for all to see, a display of compassion over their pride.

      There was a church in the valley who has a similar problem in the way that one of their volunteers had been molesting a lot of the kids who went there. I know churches are the but of a lot of jokes about this sort of thing but I was surprised by their actions that followed. The asshole who was hurting these kids had been arrested and the church held a bunch of services for their community asking for others to come forward for counseling and to apologise to their congregation for not catching this sooner! That is a fine example of how to confront something like this, they met it head on. Big props to them.

       Shame might survive in the light but it thrives in darkness, never forget that. I wish I had come forward about the older kid who molested me when I was a kid, perhaps I could have saved myself and those around me some grief. It's not easy to write what I just did but that's the point of it all. The more open we are with ourselves the sooner we can get a hold of what it is that's truly affecting our world. In my case I've had a near impossible time letting myself get close with anyone who wanted to love me, I always had that "dark" secret in my past that I knew if they ever found out that they wouldn't love me anymore. That started when I was about 9, from there it festered for years until I grew into someone I didn't recognize. Well that was then, this is now.


      I know I'm jumping all over the place so I'll try to sum it up here. Predators track us through our sent of shame. You know what I heard the most  when I started to be open about my past? I started to hear similar stories from those around me. The only thing that amazed me more was the weight off everyone's shoulders after they opened up. Meaning we're as never alone as we think we are, what a odd way to connect with people huh?


so shine a light on what ails you my friends! It's a tough I know but it's those countless baby steps that will move us all forward to a better life. That's what I think anyways, feel free to find a better way =)


Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!