Wednesday, April 11, 2012

My night at the Club

Evening Party People!
      So what's new in your world? That's what I'm always asking so as to remind myself to never stop being amazed with life's details. A great man once said,"Life moves pretty fast, if you're not careful, you could miss it."

      I'm pretty excited these days for a few reasons. Number one (in no particular order) is that Jennie is moving in with me! I'm so excited about this new addition to the household! For what seems to be forever it's only been Oscar and myself. Now Jennie will be here 24/7 and she's bringing her pup Stu. Stu is a small chihuahua/dachshund mix and Oscar is an old grump cat, let the sitcom begin!
      Another reason I'm so excited about this is that it's been a long time since I've really shared my life with someone. I know I've dated many gals in the past few years with varying degrees of closeness but nothing as personal as living with that someone. After my marriage I guess I've been afraid that I would hurt any relationship I had in the same way. Well that fear is just going to have to take a back seat as I've confronted it and now it's time to move that aspect of my life forward! I mean we can't be the sum of our errors forever right? Sooner or later we all have to start being a person again.
      Hey speaking of past relationships, I ran into my ex wife at a club I was filming =s  How's that for awkward?
      It was funny, when I saw her walking into the club I was filled with panic. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. Was she going to see me and walk right out? That would have made thing easier in some ways but I would have felt bad that my mere presences fucked up her evening. Was she coming in with someone she's dating? If so would I do something stupid in response?
      Those were just some of the thoughts that I was able to keep track of as many others were moving so fast, emotions flared to an intensity that I haven't felt in a long time, and in the end I felt numb. I took a deep breath and after a few minutes I walked over and said hi. I complimented her on how she looked and then we chatted for a few more minutes and I went back to filming.
       Over the next hour I tried not to notice her but at the same time I was very curious about her. It was the strangest thing. She seemed happier than I have ever seen her. It made me feel good to see that. Honestly I'm happier than I have ever been in a long time and I don't think I would have ever made it this far if I had stayed married. I always felt a little guilty about that but seeming her laugh and giggle as she danced I knew deep down that she'd found a new happiness in her life just like I did.
        The weird part was watching some dude hit on her in the creepiest way. I'm not sure if she was into him or not but I was certain that it was none of my business. It its weird seeing someone who you were once very close to with someone else. Lucky for me I'm a different person and so is she.
        There was something else I noticed that night. Something that didn't really sit with me all to well, then again this never did. I was outside smoking a cig with a couple of other guys. A few gals who had just shown up were walking into the club. You know what? before I go on let me tell you about this club because it matters to this story.
        Club Fullfilled is the name and if you want to know more about it you can check out the site here at . Club Fullfilled is a BBW club focusing on size acceptance. What is size acceptance? It's about being comfortable in your own skin regardless of how big or small you are. Now I've been heavy most of my life but I never felt desirable till about ten years ago. I know that could be said for a lot of us but when you're a heavy person you never really feel like you're a part of the world. Everything I saw on TV or in the movies were of athletic attractive people, rarely did I ever see someone who was fat. If I did they were usually playing a character who was either a coward or an idiot, if it was a heavy gal she was either a frail emotionally crippled gal or a bossy bitch. This club seeks to do away with all of those preconceptions so as to accept the 'Size" so you can see the "Person".
         At that point one of the guys said there would be after a few more beers. I was pretty disheartened by that statement. If there were ever a place where big people like myself could be safe from dumb shit like that you'd figure this would be the place, I guess not. Let me say this Party People, I've been with quite a few women , some were very attractive and some were not but I would never deny ever being with them because of how they looked or even worse, say I was only with them because I was drunk. My first girlfriend in high school was a little person and I caught some shit from some of my friends for it. I got teased about it and they talked about her as if she wasn't even a person. I almost got into a fight or two about this but in the end they just stopped teasing me about it. In the end maybe they understood that I was dating that gal for me and not for them so they could take there stupid judgment and go fuck themselves with it. Years latter I hooked up with a gal who was a chubby chaser, the sex was good but she'd never introduce me to her friends who did nothing but chase thin pretty boys.
          As much as I'd love to continue hating these people I feel sorry for them. I'm not sure if they'll ever accept that high school is over. There is no more cool clique, no more cool table to sit at during lunch where people could admire your status among the unremarkable crowd. There is only you and your life, the only opinion one should ever care about is that of one's own existence. Does this make me happy? Does this person inspire something good in me be it love lust or just pure intrigue? Would I like me if I were to spend time with this new person?
          This life is short Party People and I think we miss out on so much when we think of what other people think about us. Ego gives a shit about that stuff, not our head and hearts.

           Till next time Party People,
           Keep on a Chooglin!

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