Sunday, June 22, 2014

Ugly Truth 101

Morning Party People,
              It's around 2:30 in the morning, officially Sunday at this point. I work a double shift today and I need to get some sleep, yet I can't. When I lay my head on the pillow all I can think about is all of the shit that pissed me off from last night.
               I like my job well enough but there are a few co-workers that have some habit that enrage me on a daily basis. I'm not going to mention them here as doing so is kind of a dick move. I will say this, it sucks not being able to have the world exactly how I want it, it sucks more that I can't blink and have everyone work the way I'd want them to.
                Man that sounded ugly, felt worse inside my head though. I'm glad I said it, I needed to say it,to write it,to acknowledge how I feel about my situation. Ego sucks fyi.
                This is all distracting me, trying to use an old trick that kept me off track to what I wanted to do with my life. When I was in my twenties....hell right up until a few years ago I was forever distracted by work drama. Work drama is super addictive as it is tied in with your income so I've always felt it was way more important than it actually was. Do problems need to be addressed? Of course but the thing I am trying to put into perspective is WHAT problem needs to be addressed first?
               The one problem I have been avoiding is working on new material. For my act, for the Sneaker Guy vid, sketches for the comedy troupe I've been working with, for the music I want to create, for everything I want to do with my life. AARRGGHHH! These wants float in my head and I want them to be seen to fruition yet out of habit and cowardice I allow all these other distractions to derail me. So instead I'll take out all this frustration on the people I work with. I know that's not what I want to do, but what we want from ourselves and the actions we take and the words we use tend to not always be on the same track. I'll find every flaw that anyone has in common with me and I will throw the bulk of my hatred and cruelty with every thought of them that crosses my mind. I will let it slowly build in my heart, I'll take my time, watch for their weaknesses, I'll study their habits, I'll find the best way to unleash my wrath on them, if I'm patient enough they'll never even know it was me that screwed them over. When it's all said and done maybe then I can focus on what I need to do, but we both know that I won't, I'll just find someone else to put on my shit list. Maybe it'll be someone I really care about, that way it'll take more time. Man this is disgusting.
                I wont speak for all of humanity but holy shit is it amazing the lengths I'll go to avoid living my life. It's almost as if I'd rather burn my life to the ground than change my life for the better. That's what I did with my marriage after all. That's not quite the same thing though. That needed to go in order to move forward, I had to leave that weak pathetic version of me behind because he didn't have the strength to really live his life on his own terms. I'm thinking it's time to leave another part of my life behind, I think I'm going to leave this distraction behind me. I don't need it anymore. I know I'm strong enough to live my life without having to play it safe by spinning my wheels long enough not to notice that life was passing my by.
               As for tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be pissed off again by something rude and weak someone will do or say, but that's OK. Perhaps they are in the same boat as me, maybe they are distracted from themselves as well and they're taking it out on the world just like I have been. Only I don't have to react the same way as I did in the past, I'll move forward. I will write, I will compose, I will film, I will perform, I will create!
               I'm glad I took the time to write this tonight, I really needed it. Like I've said before, sometimes thoughts need to get out of our heads so we can see them in the light . I think I've had some poison in my head for awhile and I think you for letting me purge them . I hope things are going for you all out there in internetland, we're all in this together right?
               Till next time Party People, Keep on a Chooglin!