Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I don't know what to feel right now, another Germain leaves this world.

Morning Everyone,
              I'll give you a heads up, this isn't a happy blog.
              The emotions we use to process the information that seeps in and out of the fabric of time can be just as confusing as enlightening. About a month ago I got word that three of my brothers were having health issues to varying degrees. The least of which was a silent heart attack.
              The moment I heard the news I had an instant reaction to start preparing for the worst, to steal myself, I had to plan for what was coming. I knew I had to do this, I had to react a certain way, I had been through this before.
               When I was twelve I lost my father to a heart issue. I watched him whither away over a year's time from what could only be describes as a superhero in a child's eyes to a bitter man who used to make me get him cigarettes as he wheezed constantly. In that time I did what I had learned from him before he got sick. I turned my heart to stone, I did my best not to feel any pain. To stay strong, the family motto as it were.
               A few days ago I got a message via Facebook from my younger sister saying that my Brother Damon was going into surgery. They were going to try for a heart transplant but if they couldn't do that they would install a defibrillator. I knew when they told me that a heart transplant wasn't going to happen. I hoped that the defibrillator would work but they a day later I got a call from another brother saying his body rejected it.
               Last night shortly after 10pm my brother Damon left this world.
              As a person who considers himself an optimist it's situations like this that makes be feel utterly helpless, a fool even for trying to think positive. I know I'm not a fool. I'm fortunate enough to know when hope isn't enough . Reality is far to clear. I know I'm heartbroken, I know I'm filled with regret for not trying to be closer to him, and I know that none of those feeling ,regrets, or desires do anything to change the fact that I'll never be able to correct those things.
              The lesson I learned from my fathers passing was to teach myself not to feel. As a grown man I learned that that's a short term fix. I think of it like hitting the nitros on a race car, you can use it in short bursts but you can't drive like that all the time. I made many mistakes when it came to being a good person, a lot of it had to do with not feeling.  These days I know how to balance this.
              I thought back to when I was 13, when I was messed up from what had happened, I wished I had someone close to me to talk to. I had my Mom and my sister but they were hurting just like I was and I didn't want to burden them (in my mind) I had to be strong. I had my older brothers and sister but I didn't grow up with them and we had never been close at that point.
              Then I thought of my brother's kids, my nephew specifically.
              My nephew is a good kid. He's smart, handsome and driven. In short, he's a Germain. I called him to talk about what was going on and to ask how he was dealing with all of this. I felt really invasive about it all because we had only ever really spoken a few years prior to that phone call. I know that he's strong enough to handle all of this, but just the same , I know what it's like to lose someone you care about and I know what it's like to want someone to talk to about shit like this.
              There's nothing I can do about the past , but I know there is a way I can help with the future and that's what I hope to do.

               I know change is a part of growing. I just wish we as beings were able to adequately prepare for these changes.
               Via con Dios dear brother, I hope you have fun fishing with Dad once again =)