Saturday, December 6, 2014

Bonjour France!!!

Bonjour France !!!

Vous devrez excuser mon pauvre grammaire mais je suis en utilisant Google translate pour vous écrire. Merci de vérifier sur ma page, je devine que vous me avez vu à la télévision et vous vous demandiez si je suis tout aussi grand qu'un trou du cul dans la vie réelle que je ai comparu à la télé. Désolé de vous décevoir, mais je suis sur le même niveau de trou du cul comme la plupart des gens dans ce monde. Je ne essaie de faire de ce monde un meilleur endroit en divertissant les gens à travers la comédie stand-up ainsi que par mon podcast, décousue Le Podcast w / David Germain. Si vous jamais demandé comment les gens se déplacent de leur vie quotidienne à la créativité alors vous apprécierez mon spectacle. Merci encore pour me regardant de haut et un jour je vais voyager à la terre où mes ancêtres ont été chassés de. Je vais devoir apprendre à parler le premier Français, ce que je comprends, les Français ne apprécient pas quand nous, les Américains se plaignent que vous ne parlez pas anglais dans votre propre pays = S

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Holy Shit am I distracted!!!

Evening/morning Party People!
                I think I have a case of the Mondays. Yes I know I could get my ass kicked for saying something like that but there's a good chance I'd deserve it. I feel a little down which usually means I'm insanely pissed off only I'm tyring not to acknowledge it.
               Aside from missing a workout and doing poorly on my diet, I allowed myself to miss a whole week of open mics. Why did I do this? Was I spending a lot of quality time with my sweetie? Nope. Was I spending that time writing new bits or rewriting old ones? Sure wasn't. Was I doing ANYTHING productive with my life at all? Not really. No I spent a lot of time pissed off about my job. Worrying about shit that's out of my control, not how the store works mind you, anyone can influence their work environment. No I spent a week examining the flaws of people that  reflect the faults of my own.
               I guess I'm dealing from the embarrassment of my actions as well as my inaction. I know I can do better, I know I will. However for this moment in time I'm still a little pissed. I guess I can afford that feeling, allow myself to be as real with me as I wish I was with everyone else in my life. I 'm not trying to be all melodramatic but I happen to be listening to Rufus Wainwrite as I'm writing this blog, so there.
               A friend of mine had some issues with a relapse this week, I remember having those, they suck. It's funny how I would convince myself that by falling off the wagon I could make myself happy again. After I'd fall I'd be filled with such anger and shame with myself that it would spiral me into extending the relapse, and so on and so forth. That cycle is what terrifies me some days. It's not the fear that keeps me sane, the fear reminds me to always push myself forward, it's a reminder of how horrible the past can be if I let it. Meaning depending on what I choose to remember  depicts the nature of my past. Here's a hint:  It's not about just the good or bad shit, it's about accepting both as a chunk of why you're where you're at in this moment in time.
                 I find acceptance is the key to letting go. With myself anyways, I'm not sure about other people in my life. I used to pray about things like this, it worked, I think. I think I'll try it for tomorrow and see what happens. Some people say Jesus can help, I don't disagree mind you, I just feel better saying I cast a spell of protection with the aid of Jesus. It just sounds more metal I think.

Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

I'm pretty sure this is killing me, or I am at least.

Morning Party People,
            I'll be honest, I've had a rough couple of weeks. Not that anything horrible has happened, it hasn't. However I've been feeling like shit deep down in my everyday life. I don't think it's depression yet I have been pretty depressed. So why have I been feeling this way? What's changed?
            That's the big question isn't it? That's fairly simple to answer, what's changed? In short, it's me. I've changed , and I'm sure there's a big part of me that's not happy about it. There's a certain comfort in being self-destructive. You always know what to expect from yourself. There's no change, no matter what happinees there will be a comfort in the depressive muck that I used  as a reason to run away and self medicate with various vices. Sure those vices kept me from really living a life worth of any meaning, but I could trust that depression far more than any happiness,
             Happy is tricky, happy is difficult , happy is very hard for me trust. I don't know happy as well as I think I should. I'm used to being fat, I'm used to being scared, I'm used to being alone and isolated. At least I had been for many years. A lot of you know that I've been changing those things over the years.
             I learned how to love and how to be loved in a meaningful relationship. I learned how to show myself that I care by building up the courage to live life as a performer, as an artist, not just as someone who has the potential to do those things. I've learned that I can care for my body in the same way. I learned that I still like to feel good about the way I look, and that with love ,will, and patience I can work for a healthier life.
             That's what I want to focus on in this post. I've been trying to quit smoking for awhile now and I've always failed. Tonight before I went out to the mics, I confessed to Jennie that I probably was going to smoke tonight. I hadn't felt good since I've tried to quit. I've been bumming smokes from co-workers or buying a prime time single. So I never really quit, just cut down to one or two a day. Tonight I bough a pack and was chain smoking the hell out them.
             With each drag I felt I was betraying not just Jennie but everything I had been working so hard for. To a certain extent I feel I was. I was hopping that I would be filled with some sort of happy but all I felt was a lie. A lie to myself, a lie to Jennie, and a lie to the body I'm supposed to be trying to fix.
             Want to hear something funny? I heard this from the Joe Rogan podcast so I'm paraphrasing here," People think when they smoke they're relieving tension and stress, in fact the only stress you're relieving is the stress caused by not smoking" I didn't want to hear that, because it rang true. I knew this about half way through the evening. I wanted to stop, but then I wondered if stopping at that moment was a way to avoid the truth. Keep in mind that over the years I've become really good at lying to myself. I felt if I quit then I could sy, I made a good choice, knowing full well I was just avoiding the truth.
               I wanted to think that I really wanted those smokes, I had to let that part of me get what it wanted. It thought they would make me feel better, when it didn't I forced another one,"How about now?" "What about now?"
              Tonight I had to accept the truth, they don't make me feel better, in fact they never helped me at all. You ever realized that there was something in your life that you thought made you happy but then realized it was all a lie? That's what tonight feels like.
              I know I'll have withdrawals over the next few days, I've been through that before. I think that now I have a reason, a truth if you will in my heart that can finally help me stop smoking.

Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

On this day...

Morning Party People,
            It's September 11th and as I woke up this morning and looked on my facebook feed I see the sad images of what used to be the twin towers. With those images come the feeling s of sadness, rage, and vengeance as I'm sure a lot of us share. I remember seeing on the news children in the Middle East dancing in the streets, cheering for our pain. My first thought was I wanted to kill as many of those fuckers as I could for what they did. I was planning on going to the recruiter the next day but then I remembered I don't speak Arabic and I had no idea where that footage of those kids even came from. I had felt blind rage on many occasions before then and I knew of the fallout of acting of those feelings and I knew where that rage would take me, to a place I'd never be able to come back from.
             This blog isn't about any anti or pro war sentiment based in fact or conspiracy. I just saw the slogan "Never Forget" many times since that day and I wondered what specifically do they not want us to forget? Is it the anger that made us all thirst for blood? Is it the fear that let us place so much power in our government? Is it the sadness of all of our friends and family who went to serve and came back both physically and emotionally wounded? Is it the loss of privacy? Or is it "Never Forget" that feeling of not having to worry about terrorism?
             I think in my own life I've learned the most when I failed at something. Whether is was me career, my act, my marriage. When I bombed at any of those thing I was forced to learn from what I did. When I see the September 11th slogan I remember all the people we lost, but I also remember that's the era when humanity failed. From the hijackers who thought their only action that would make this world a better place was to start a war. To all of us who thought the best way to protect our country was to take away a lot of the freedom that made us what we were.
              I know I said this blog wasn't about any anti war sentiment but the more I write the more I think I need to take that back, sorry for misleading anyone. I've always felt that the most destructive emotion that we as humans can feel is one of righteousness. Everyone of those hijackers felt what they were doing was the right thing to do, just like anyone after that on either side did when they committed a crime against humanity. Everyone killed is some one's child, husband,wife, brother or sister. How does the anger ever stop? How do we rid ourselves of this hate?
             I think is there is a goal for the future generations is to rise above the hate that humanity has held for centuries that had been held in silence behind a wall of non communication. We have the Internet now, we can talk, we can learn, we can see the futility of all the hate we've spread and we can rise above it. Perhaps what September 11th will become , long after any of us who were there or knew people who were effected by it (note:I wasn't there) will be the day when the old world ended and the new world began. One where we all had to start talking to each other , at first there were a bunch of people who spread hate through the internet but humanity quickly saw those people as one's who needed help. Who were in fact just crying out for someone to listen. We learned that being hateful and being interesting or worth listening to were in fact not the same thing. We started listening to history lessons and conversations through new mediums , and through those mediums we reawakened our desire to learn. A lot of people went back to school with a burning desire to make the world a better place through art and science. We found a new purpose in life after seeing the lack of purpose in the old world.
              I hope we make it for another century and if we do I hope the future us can look at this era as one where we lost and regained our humaity. Never forget how horrible we can be. Never Forget how great we can be.

Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Ugly Truth 101

Morning Party People,
              It's around 2:30 in the morning, officially Sunday at this point. I work a double shift today and I need to get some sleep, yet I can't. When I lay my head on the pillow all I can think about is all of the shit that pissed me off from last night.
               I like my job well enough but there are a few co-workers that have some habit that enrage me on a daily basis. I'm not going to mention them here as doing so is kind of a dick move. I will say this, it sucks not being able to have the world exactly how I want it, it sucks more that I can't blink and have everyone work the way I'd want them to.
                Man that sounded ugly, felt worse inside my head though. I'm glad I said it, I needed to say it,to write it,to acknowledge how I feel about my situation. Ego sucks fyi.
                This is all distracting me, trying to use an old trick that kept me off track to what I wanted to do with my life. When I was in my twenties....hell right up until a few years ago I was forever distracted by work drama. Work drama is super addictive as it is tied in with your income so I've always felt it was way more important than it actually was. Do problems need to be addressed? Of course but the thing I am trying to put into perspective is WHAT problem needs to be addressed first?
               The one problem I have been avoiding is working on new material. For my act, for the Sneaker Guy vid, sketches for the comedy troupe I've been working with, for the music I want to create, for everything I want to do with my life. AARRGGHHH! These wants float in my head and I want them to be seen to fruition yet out of habit and cowardice I allow all these other distractions to derail me. So instead I'll take out all this frustration on the people I work with. I know that's not what I want to do, but what we want from ourselves and the actions we take and the words we use tend to not always be on the same track. I'll find every flaw that anyone has in common with me and I will throw the bulk of my hatred and cruelty with every thought of them that crosses my mind. I will let it slowly build in my heart, I'll take my time, watch for their weaknesses, I'll study their habits, I'll find the best way to unleash my wrath on them, if I'm patient enough they'll never even know it was me that screwed them over. When it's all said and done maybe then I can focus on what I need to do, but we both know that I won't, I'll just find someone else to put on my shit list. Maybe it'll be someone I really care about, that way it'll take more time. Man this is disgusting.
                I wont speak for all of humanity but holy shit is it amazing the lengths I'll go to avoid living my life. It's almost as if I'd rather burn my life to the ground than change my life for the better. That's what I did with my marriage after all. That's not quite the same thing though. That needed to go in order to move forward, I had to leave that weak pathetic version of me behind because he didn't have the strength to really live his life on his own terms. I'm thinking it's time to leave another part of my life behind, I think I'm going to leave this distraction behind me. I don't need it anymore. I know I'm strong enough to live my life without having to play it safe by spinning my wheels long enough not to notice that life was passing my by.
               As for tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be pissed off again by something rude and weak someone will do or say, but that's OK. Perhaps they are in the same boat as me, maybe they are distracted from themselves as well and they're taking it out on the world just like I have been. Only I don't have to react the same way as I did in the past, I'll move forward. I will write, I will compose, I will film, I will perform, I will create!
               I'm glad I took the time to write this tonight, I really needed it. Like I've said before, sometimes thoughts need to get out of our heads so we can see them in the light . I think I've had some poison in my head for awhile and I think you for letting me purge them . I hope things are going for you all out there in internetland, we're all in this together right?
               Till next time Party People, Keep on a Chooglin!

Friday, April 11, 2014

As time passes so must our time here on Earth

What up Party People,
          This past Sunday I sat down at my laptop and began a journey into the black hole of time known as YouTube. I had an idea of what I wanted to look at but as anyone knows with YouTube, you can start by looking at movie trailers and end up watching gross videos of zit lancings.
           This night I managed to stay focused and find the videos I was looking for, The WWE Hall of Fame speeches. Why the hell would I want to watch these? What am I , eight years old?
           When it comes to wrestling a part of me still is! I make no apologies for this love as at this point in time I think we all have guilty pleasures and this is one of mine. Granted I know that professional wrestling is a work (or fake for those not familiar with the lingo) but as with most forms of entrainment I enjoy the good vs evil aspect of the storytelling. It's classic, a part of history as is the stories of out favorite movies.
           There were a few speeches I really wanted to see, Mr.T was being inducted in the celebrity category for his work in Wrestlemania 2, If you haven't seen it yet Mr.T basically spoke about how much he loved his mother, a heartfelt speech that you could tell came from his core. This wasn't what I was interested in seeing though. There were two inductees that had a dark story to tell, Scott Hall (aka Razor Ramon) and Jake "The Snake" Roberts.
           These two men were considered to be two of the most dramatic train wrecks when it came to their own personal lives. If you look on YouTube you can see an HBO special of Scott Hall when he was at his worst, at a local promotion ,just out of surgery yet getting into the ring and getting the tar knocked out of him. He looked frail,week, not the tower of machismo that we remembered him in the 90's.
           As for Jake you can watch the documentary Beyond the Mat and the film goes into the live of Jake Roberts, a former superstar then turned crack addict and over all sleazy guy.
           Why did I want to see there speeches so badly? It's because I know something about living this life and finding myself being someone I didn't want to be. I know about lying so often to everyone around you, most deceptively lying to myself. It's a terrifying place to be in because in one's own heart you'll never know if you mean anything you say, believe anything you feel, or trust anyone who says they care about you.
          These men have made great progress in their recoveries that I feel a great deal of inspiration from their stories. You can watch their progress on DDP's channel ,also on YouTube.
          I think another reason I love watching their stories is because when I look at some of their old matches, some of their greatest moments in their careers I feel bad knowing that at that time of that performance that their lives were in turmoil. I know a lot of other artists might look down on professional wrestling but those men are just like us, they might not be poets or musicians but they live for the same thing we do, entertaining the crowd. Imagine if Mark Hamill really lost his hand in Empire Strikes Back? Or how about this example, Brandon Lee, who actually died for a movie. There is a certain level of guilt hidden in the admiration for watching something so great yet knowing that it came a such a great price.
            Life is shoot but I think deep down I wanted their suffering to be a work. Well it isn't, or wasn't. Jake Roberts and Scott Hall have had a great journey and are at a good point in their lives that I think watching their stories provides us with a good look into the nature of man, if you haven't already listen to their tale, I think you'll get a lot out of them.
            Ok I got a little off topic here, I started this blog wanting to talk about one of my childhood heroes of wrestling, The Ultimate Warrior (aka James Hellwig). I remember the first time I saw him on t.v. It was on the Saturday wrestling show back in Lucerne valley. He was huge,intense, and totally metal! This was the perfect ingredient for someone I could get behind. He ran to the ring at full charge and shook the ropes as if the adrenaline that pumped in his veins was about to explode and engulf the whole stadium in ablaze of fire and glory.
            I remember one late Saturday night my Dad had come home (he worked the swing shift at the plant he worked at). He usually would watch t.v with my mom for a bit when he got home, Saturday Night Live was off this week which meant wrestling would be on. Normally I would be asleep at this time but I woke up to my Dad laughing so I got up and in an surprise move my Dad said I could stay up and watch wrestling! This was amazing as I rarely got to spend time with him like this. The next match up was supposed to be the IC champ The Honkey Tonk Man defending his title against Brutus the Barber Beefcake. The problem was that Brutus was injured and couldn't be in the match. There was supposed to be a surprise wrestler to which the Honkey Tonk Man didn't care who it was because he was ,"The Greatest of All Time". That's when Warrior's music came on!
            I jumped out of my seat! I felt my adrenaline spike as Warrior ran down to the ring and into the ring, the match was over in a few minutes with the Warrior victorious and that night was forever etched into my heart and soul.
           As years went on my interest in wrestling ebbed and waned. There were other great moments for me but none like that night from a young kid's perspective. A few years ago I did a search for the Warrior on the net and found his website as well as his YouTube videos. I found a man who had an intense philosophy about life and a strong opinion about the world, sadly I didn't agree with a lot of it but that's not what this is about. From what I had read i feel the Warrior was a no nonsense kind of guy, either you will or you wont kind of mentality. That works for many people but for a guy like me I can't just see things in black or white, I have to see as much grey area in anything as I can before I make a move. Granted his way was much simpler and way more effective but while we can follow the same basic principles in this life the odds of us living this life the same way are very slim. As a result I stopped paying attention to the Warrior as someone I didn't agree with.
          In the coming years the WWE would make a documentary on the Warrior and everything he did wrong with the business. It was pretty brutal, I'm not sure if it's up on netflix still but it was if anything,entertaining.
          There was one speech I was on the fence of wanting to watch during the Hall of Fame and it was his. I didn't know if he was going to shoot on the business or just go on a rant. What I saw was a man being as honest with the world as much as he was with himself. If you look at the in-ring performance of the Warrior vs someone like Ric Flair or Shawn Micheals you will see a great difference in the way they "sell: the match. That's not what important for this blog, what was important was the way James Hellwig "sold" the Warrior before he got into the ring. I think he saw something that he had created which became bigger than himself. An ideal, a path for those who were lost. If you watch his speech he starts off with thanking his mom for raising him and his siblings after his Dad had left him. At the core of any young man's life all we want is the love and knowledge of our fathers, I think he was no different. I think The Warrior was in some part what he wanted to have as a father growing up, some one who was strong,an inspiration, some who could guide him. That's what he gave a lot of us when we were young and had lost our fathers too soon.
            He had said something towards the end of his speech,and I'm paraphrasing here, but if we can be that special someone inside the ring, there is no reason we can't be that outside of the ring. That's what he did with his philosophy which he continued to spread long after his WWE career had ended, he wouldn't leave his fans like his father left him. What a way to spend a life. What a way indeed.
           The very next Monday he would give one more speech to his fans on Monday Night Raw, saying thanks for their support, giving us one last message of a true Warrior before leaving this world less than 24 hours later.

Thanks for making your life mean something, the lesson will not go unnoticed sir!

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!

Monday, March 3, 2014


Morning Party People!
       This morning I'm writing to you from my temporary home in Aurora CO!
        I know I speak with a lot of you out there via The DisJointed Podcast but I haven't written to you in a while, I think I'll change that today.
       So what's new? Well lets start with the obvious, I moved and yes it was tough, and yes I'm still scarred. What's comforting about all of this is knowing that I get (or have been given) a chance to test my self in this new challenge. You see I get to start a new life. This is something I've wanted since I knew I was going to get a divorce all those years ago.
       I think as human beings go, when something horrible happens or to be more precise an ugly truth is revealed we have a desire to run away, to run away from the reality that we create. I know this was the case in me. I remember that sinking feeling I had when I knew it was over for my marriage, at the time I was filled with sadness and a sense of relief that I was ashamed of. When I was alone with my thoughts I'd stare off into the horizon through the tears in my eyes and I'd dream of a new life, one where I had my life under control, one where I wasn't broken. Everyday on my way to work I'd pass the turnoff to I-10 West that would lead me to Los Angeles, everyday I fought the urge to just take that turn because I knew if  I did I would be cheating myself. I couldn't move to another city while I needed so much work.
       Flash forward to a week ago, the same car I drove to work on, the same car that passed by the I-10 exit west is now packed with my clothes, my gear, my guitars and we're heading on the I-17 north to Denver. As I passed the last exit by Anthem I looked into the rear view mirror, half with the city of Phoenix in the background, the other half filled with a pair of older eyes that I don't always readily recognize ,I smile. I think about my life as a manager at the airport, I think about my life in my twenties as a server, I think of some of the unhappy relationships I've had. Then I think about how I left all of those situations, some out of choice, some out of accepting the inevitable. I think about how I finally learned how to be an adult without loosing my sense of wonder. I look into that mirror and I know that I'm ready to start my new life. Finally I can say I left Phoenix because I wanted to move forward, not because I was running away.
       So here's me, in a new town, money is running low, but I start a new job this week. It's be tough just like it was when I moved to New York all those years ago. This time I have my art,my heart, and the love of my sweetie. When I look back at the decisions I made as a young man fresh out of school I wince knowing I could have made a better choice, as an older man I know I've finally have. I can't wait to see what this new life holds!

Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!

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