Saturday, October 4, 2014

Holy Shit am I distracted!!!

Evening/morning Party People!
                I think I have a case of the Mondays. Yes I know I could get my ass kicked for saying something like that but there's a good chance I'd deserve it. I feel a little down which usually means I'm insanely pissed off only I'm tyring not to acknowledge it.
               Aside from missing a workout and doing poorly on my diet, I allowed myself to miss a whole week of open mics. Why did I do this? Was I spending a lot of quality time with my sweetie? Nope. Was I spending that time writing new bits or rewriting old ones? Sure wasn't. Was I doing ANYTHING productive with my life at all? Not really. No I spent a lot of time pissed off about my job. Worrying about shit that's out of my control, not how the store works mind you, anyone can influence their work environment. No I spent a week examining the flaws of people that  reflect the faults of my own.
               I guess I'm dealing from the embarrassment of my actions as well as my inaction. I know I can do better, I know I will. However for this moment in time I'm still a little pissed. I guess I can afford that feeling, allow myself to be as real with me as I wish I was with everyone else in my life. I 'm not trying to be all melodramatic but I happen to be listening to Rufus Wainwrite as I'm writing this blog, so there.
               A friend of mine had some issues with a relapse this week, I remember having those, they suck. It's funny how I would convince myself that by falling off the wagon I could make myself happy again. After I'd fall I'd be filled with such anger and shame with myself that it would spiral me into extending the relapse, and so on and so forth. That cycle is what terrifies me some days. It's not the fear that keeps me sane, the fear reminds me to always push myself forward, it's a reminder of how horrible the past can be if I let it. Meaning depending on what I choose to remember  depicts the nature of my past. Here's a hint:  It's not about just the good or bad shit, it's about accepting both as a chunk of why you're where you're at in this moment in time.
                 I find acceptance is the key to letting go. With myself anyways, I'm not sure about other people in my life. I used to pray about things like this, it worked, I think. I think I'll try it for tomorrow and see what happens. Some people say Jesus can help, I don't disagree mind you, I just feel better saying I cast a spell of protection with the aid of Jesus. It just sounds more metal I think.

Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!