Another chunk of "WHAAAA?"

Ok I have no idea hat I want to write today. I had been doing "Morning Papers" which is basically stream of conscious writing for three pages every morning while trying not to use quotations for "everything".

I thought maybe I 'd try that here just to see what it looks like. I usually prefer to do this on paper using a no.2-7 gauge pencil with a soft mechanical grip and gps attached. Have you seen one of these? They completely revolutionized the pencil world when they were unveiled at the 2006 Pencexpo in Pancil Iowa.  If you haven't gone you need to check it out. Granted there is a bit of protest against the industry from environmentalist who argue that shoving lead into a tree is just an dick move and also from fringe ultra conservative group who think pencils are to uppity and prefer writing with those big crayons with the one flat side. If you go I should warn you not to be seen texting at any point in time while you're in the main hall as you will get kicked in the balls by an old lady. I'm serious, that's a paid position that many old ladies in the industry train for through out the year. You can spot these gals easily enough by there binoculars and there one steel toed boot.

Was I going anywhere with this? How the hell did I end up in Iowa? Sure I came for the pencil convention but now I'm just standing on the side of the road wondering where my car is, and for that matter what the hell does it look like? Iowa is a lot like my old marriage, there's no reason to ever go back there.

Hey back to reality for a bit. I went out dancing last nite with my sweetie! I usually go to a club that's geared toward bigger people like myself. When I say bigger I mean intellects...not wangs thank you very much! I used to have a blast every time I went there but for a few months now my ex wife has been going there with her friends and now it doesn't seem as fun to me. I think one of the reasons is that seeing her reminds me of the spineless coward I used to be. I wasn't able to stand up for myself for anything I held dear to me for so long, I cringe at every tear that ever rolled down my cheeks, I think how I'm glad my Dad wasn't alive to see me during this time of my life, it was that bad. You ever do that? Think to you past at cringe?

 I do that a lot these days. I think one of the reasons  why I do is that I know I'm moving into a different phase of this life, a lot of things that seemed to fit into my life no longer do, certain thoughts or thought processes are being rejected. Maybe that's why I cringe when I think of bad things in my past, it's like my soul is rejecting the idea in the same way a body might reject a transplanted organ.

Freedom, a buzz word as of late. It's also a word that people throw out there into the ether without knowing exactly what it means, much like disingenuous, literally, or proactive. What is freedom? More importantly, what is freedom to you? I think that's the most important question anyone can ask themselves. Some might say it's what they fought for and what the friends and family died for. Noble but it dodges the question. It's my right to chose how I live my life! Once again,noble but what have you done to build your life to your ideal of a good thing? Meaning, is the life you live now what you wanted or the best of what you thought you could get? If your life is the best of what you thought you could get then the question that no one wants to ask is ,"Exactly how free are you?"

There's a line in  the movie Easy Rider where Jack Nicholson says," ..Don't ever tell them that they aint free..." Is that the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about? How free are any of us? Do you live in the city and state that you always wanted to live in? Is the job the job you wanted to be doing when you were young and dreamed of how you wanted to contribute something good to this world?  For my life the answer was about 60% yes.

60% of a lot of the things I wanted in life, close but no cigar. I had a marriage, a house, and even a step kid. Should I have been happy? Sure, and even sometimes I was. I had accepted the best of what I thought I could get. I know that sounds mean and cruel and I don't mean it to be but that's the truth. Deep down I hated everything about me and my life so I broke the fuck out of everything in it. I wish I had made a better choice but it's in the past. Why am I going into all of this? I was still free to buy as many guns as I could, buy a Hummer and wear an American flag while protesting just about anything  but how free was I? I wasn't. I was enslaved by how this world works, by how it takes a young man or woman and crushes every bit of strength out of them and leaves them a fucking drone to live of credit and eat through fast food garbage. The fucked up part is that we do all of this to ourselves.



Now I need to think of how I can use my freedom in a way that exists in the form of a memory of what I do today as opposed to some bullshit potential though of what I might be able to do "someday".

Thanks for letting me babel random thoughts.

Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!

I have 15 minutes to write so here goes!

Morning Party People!
               Ok So I was thinking of leaving foe work early this morning but then I thought I should try to start the day off by making the most of the last few minutes of peace.
               FYI yes I still have a McJob. It's something that I like slightly less that managing restaurants but hey at least it's not something that makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning. Have you ever had a job like that? Something so horrible that every minute before you step into work is a moment of dread? I've felt like that before, I almost hopped that I would get hit by a car on the way to work or slip into a coma the night before, anything to keep from having to show up at some hell hole.
               I hope as things progress with DisJointed I can prevent the company from turning into a place like that. If I ever grow to a point where we have to take on extra help that the associates like showing up to work everyday...well most days anyways.

                On a different note I have to say I love to rant on random subjects. I love starting a thought and to keep it rolling and see what it evolves to. I was messaging a friend on FB yesterday and I thought of something silly as I was writing. I decided to include it into the message and I just kept going with it, not sure how she'll react but I'd like to think she giggled as she was reading it...that or she called the cops =S

Here's the post as it related on me being on the guest list , after that I I start talking about a video I did for her club (Club Fullfilled-Where it's cool to be Curvy)

Christy: Dave you're on the list for tomorrow =)

Dave    : Thanks! FYI I listened one metric fuckton of music to find the song for the vid so if              anyone  says shit please punch them .... In the elbow or something , nothing too bad mind... Maybe the forearm , that won't hurt them too bad but it will make them think.

Hey since I'm asking you to assault people for me, what are you doing next Wednesday ? I was think of beating the crap out of some Tweens for like NO reason whatsoever . Ok maybe there is a reason, maybe they called me tubby, maybe they yelled out something racist? Or maybe I just have a bucket list where I convince a sweet gal to commit a major felony and I have a feeling I might be able to get that checked off next week... So how about 3? Lol
Wow this message was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be! Cya Saturday !

I might have a problem =S

Till next time Party People
Keep on a Chooglin!

This feels kind of framiliar in an unfriendly way

Morning Party People!
            Normally I wouldn't be writing to you right now, normally I'd be at work filling the ice bins and getting coffee for all the weary people getting ready to face the brutal environment of Sky Harbor Airport. Today however I'm back at home after I got to work and saw that they cut my hours from 4 days a week to 2. Thanks guys!
            Note to all employers out there in the internet and the world at large, I'll care about your money and bottom line as much as you care about mine. You need to save money? Ok I get that, but I work a position which generates revenue, when you cut hours from those positions they tend not to work as well/make as much money for you. Lucky for me I got a plan!
            So where am I at this point? I feel like I'm back at Uno's in Tempe at the ail end of my time there. Most of my friends had moved on to other jobs,without them there I hated coming to work. As a waiter , the more you hate your job the less money you make FYI. I had said in passing one day that I wanted to put in my two weeks and ta-da! Two weeks later I was off the schedule. Now this is the embarrassing part, I kept picking up a few shifts here and there for like another two or three weeks, after awhile one of the managers just couldn't take it anymore and told me to stop coming in! She said I hadn't been put on the schedule for a reason and I needed to just go. Funny when I look back but at the time it was pretty devastating. I'm glad though, I was locked in a bad relationship with that job, a self destructive one that poisoned the both of us. I needed to go in order to move on, if anything that whole story reminds me of just how tough it was to leave that job.
             It was time and life was tired of giving me subtle hints so it gave me a big one. That's what today feels like.
             So I left work without throwing a fit and believe me I wanted to let them know just how pissed I was. I was on my way home when my gas light came on, I figured my insurance check is going to bounce anyways so why should my tank be empty? I put in 13 bucks in the tank and headed home. When I got home I saw one of the other tenants in the complex with a pair of jumper cables in his hand. Turns out that my bad day was the beginning of his lucky one so I helped him get his car started with a jump.
             This time I was listening to what the universe was telling me. I think I was supposed to be off the schedule today, I'm supposed to be broke from that job, if I was making enough money from that job I wouldn't be doing this promotion gig. So for today rather than taking orders and wiping off tables I'll be writing a contract for our biggest client to date! After that I'll be writing an ad for our affordable quinceanera deal on CL! In short (too late) I'll be making my own way!
              I can't believe I just thought of this but I'd also like to officially welcome Jim Miller to DisJointed Productions LLC1 Jim has been with me since the beginning of DisJointed, it's a concept we both came up with but over the years I went in one direction with learning film and Jim went his own and started New Mutiny Media and Geekssociated Press. Now after four years we're finally working together! I was helping Jim with some of his coverage of the Phoenix Comic-Con and since then we found ourselves working together more and more. There's no one else I'd rather be working with, seeing as I have a huge ego and tend not to listen to 98% of criticism that comes my way, Jim is one of the people I trust to always give me some good and more importantly,useful critiques on our work.
               Till next time Party People,
               Keep on a Chooglin!

This sinking feeling

I'm sitting in my car, wasting time before I go into work. Let me say right now that like you , I hate not having money. Nothing makes me feel like less of a man than not coming home with enough money to pay my bills, or even worse , not being able to provide for me and my sweetie.
Recently I was thinking about going back into management as a way to get back on top of things. I was talking to Jennie about this and she said something so beautiful that it brought a tear to eye.
She said that she understands that I'm frustrated and that going back to managing seems like a good idea but she wouldn't want it getting in the way of my dreams. She said that she thinks that the stories I write and the music I make and even the promo videos are all very important and that she wants to see me succeed so much that she doesn't mind if we don't have enough money. "we'll get by",she said.
I felt like the luckiest guy in the world.
So here I sit trying to find my next baby step, do I keep looking for theater work? Perhaps more promo clients, maybe music? Or do I step into the world of producing ? You know now that I think about it, a year ago I never would have had these opportunities while being a manager...
I had a friend once tell me that I have so much of what I've been looking for that I just don't see it. I hate to say it but it's true, maybe my next baby step is learning to get out if my own way.
Till next time Party People
Keep on a chooglin!

Easier said than done my friend

Morning Party People,

          So I laid down for a nap around 4 pm today and I woke up around 1:30 am and now I'm writing to you just to let you know where I'm coming from.
          I'd like to talk about women tonight. I'd like to talk about how from a man's point of view they are the most desirable yet so detestable at times. I'm sure there are many gals who feel the same way about guys and that's cool. I don't want this post to become a "women Suck" rant. I love women, it's just taken me awhile to figure out which women I should love and which ones I shouldn't give two shits about.
           Last Saturday I went to film some shots for an updated promo video for Club Fullfilled in Phoenix. When I walked to the door I saw a wonderful gal who I used to date. She was with her new guy and they seemed to be really happy. That made me feel great to see as I had felt bad how things ended between her and I. Rather than act like some awkward teenager and avoid the two I thought I'd be an adult and say hi. There was a moment of awkwardness  but then I think we remembered we're all adults and went on with the evening. I introduced myself to the new guy who seemed like a really nice guy. I felt good from all of this. Like it was some sort of confronted confrontation that would've existed entirely unnoticed yet fester if left unattended.
           When I got into the club and started filming I noticed that my ex-wife was also there with a date of her own. The couple seemed to be having a very good evening, meaning they were all over each other. As I was filming I tried to not record them in any of my shots (I thought that would have been creepy). I went outside for a smoke and saw them there again and thought I'd say hi, to which she just blew me off and pretended I didn't exist. Can you see the contrast in the women I used to associate with?
           When I hear guys who are having women problems and they just can't seem to understand why they love them so much yet they make their lives so miserable I feel bad for them, who wouldn't it? I feel the same way for gals who have the same issues. I guess they only thing I can say to them is that the only way I found better women in my life was to be a better person. Meaning I had to stop all the crazy shit in my skull. One of the biggest problems I used to have was that I would jump into every relationship with both feat every time one came across my path. I would get hurt and then I would cry and bitch and moan then dust myself off and do it all again when the opportunity arose. As much as I could hate a lot of these gals I just blame myself for getting involved with them. Why do I do that? I do it because I find it a waste of energy to be upset at people who don't behave and act the way I want them to. People are and should always be themselves , unfortunately for my grand ego they don't always fit in how I want them to be.
          Over the past year I finally stopped jumping in with both feat, I learned to take my time and to wait and see what kind of gal I was really getting involved with. In management I found that with any new hire they always show you their best side for the first two weeks, then after that they show you their bad side. The trick is to not have moved in with them before that first month!
           For now I'm grateful for my girlfriend, I'm grateful that we didn't rush into our relationship, I'm grateful that she's an understanding gal who doesn't get uncomfortable when I want to vocalize what it is I'm feeling, and most of all I'm grateful that she's not a bitch =)

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!

Choc full of Lesbians!!!

Morning Party People!

Lots to talk about today! First off I'd like to say that I feel fantastic! I get to wake up next to a wonderful woman whose love I feel surround me at all times. Even more importantly is that I'm finally in a place where I can accept all these great things that have entered my life. Here's an example:

Last Sunday Girl in a Coma was playing at The Cresent Ballroom in Phoenix and I had been dying to see these gals play live for at least a few years now. Jenny and I had tickets and were ready to go but she felt ill the night of the concert. I felt torn as in this situation in many of my past relationships I would have stayed home so as to not have fun with out my gal with me. Wow when I write it out like that it seems pretty sad, I guess it is/was. Well Jennie said she didn't mind if i went by myself and in a bizarre turn of any of my relationships I believed her. Now I'm sure I would have had a better time if we had both gone but in the end I had a great time by myself and for that I love her all the more.

Oh about the concert! This was one of those special things for me as far as wanting to see something for so long and finally being able to be there and see one of my favorite bands play live was a dream come true. I know I'm making this whole thing out to be something bigger than it actually is but at the same time I'm making an effort to continually be amazed with this world. So about this band, if you happen to be one of the few people I haven't talked their ear off about this band you can check out their web page here www.girlinacoma.com . I felt a little out of place at the concert for a few reasons. You see GIAC has a pretty big lesbian following. Meaning that a lot of lesbians dig their music...not that they're all huge lesbians. Now I know this next part is all in my head but I really didn't want to come off as some creepy guy on the prowl in a bar frequented by lesbians, maybe if I was even chubbier than I am now and had the whole ponytail balding guy thing going...and was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, then I wouldn't have cared what anyone thought. Hey just in case, if you ever see me at 350lbs with a ponytail and a fat guy hawaiin shirt please get me to a shrink as I'm more than likely suicidal.

When I got there the house hadn't really filled up just yet as it was on a Sunday, only the true fans would be in attendance that night. The show started about 8ish which started with Sara Radle which put on one hell of a performance. Next up was Pinata Protest, if I had to describe this band I would say,"Imagine a Latino version of Flogging Molly!" I'll be honest people, I've always hated the accordion but after seeing how the lead singer made that lame ass instrument rock I've changed my mind on the whole thing. There's nothing better than seeing a band you've never heard of and loving every note that you hear as it floats,swims and darts through the air. Even more interesting as that I was standing just off to the left of the stage and it took me a few moments to realize that the the gals in Girl in a Coma were standing right in front of me listening to the opening bands! I wanted to say hi but then I thought about the whole creepy solo guy and thought I should just enjoy the evening as it is.

As for GIAC, as much as they rock on their albums they rock ten fold live! The best part was one of my suspicions were confirmed about their last album Exits and all the Rest. Now out of all their albums the last one is my least favorite. Not because I think it's bad it's just not as good as the others. When it came out I downloaded it and to my dismay a lot of the crunchy guitar was replaced with dulled down rifts. I know they were trying something different but the new tunes didn't really resonate with me. One of the things I thought was that maybe the producer didn't really get the band as they were and tried to fit them into the mold of the industry (cute,sexy, and non threatening). Listening to their new songs live convinced me of this as when I heard  everything that made me love them in the first place with all the ways their music has grown it made me hope that they make a live version of the last album (See Roger Clyne Reel to Real/Honky Tonk Union).

Keeping the Party Going

Evening Party People,
     Tonight's theme is keeping the party going and when I say Party I mean our day to day lives. why would I refer to our lives as parties? Hey it's not like I don't know that a lot of us have to go to work in the morning or are late on whatever bills we have. Hell most of us might have just had the shittiest day in a long time so why the hell is it a party?
     I think of it this way: Just because there are balloons and cake in the room doesn't mean that you'd have a good time right? Then again some night just having a good conversation is enough to create a memory that can shape your whole life, it's kind of what we make it.
     There in lies the challenge compardes. It's so fucking tough to keep our collective heads up in this world when we look at our problems we see that there isn't the black and white that we were brought up with but a collage of greys that muddle the contrast of this world. I think we look for an "answer" to put our lives in order. Maybe you don't but I have and I try not to these days. Don't get the wrong idea, it's not like I'm bowing out of the rat race but I find that we miss an important element in this whole process.

    "Before the answer comes we must make a choice and there in lies the truth to our lives"

     I've spoken a lot about what the next baby step is and how that's made the difference in my life. That all still applies mind you but I wanted to talk about "choice" as it's the closest thing to a super power that we as humans have. If you think about it you have the power to create and destroy anything in your life via the power of choice. Have a job you hate? You could change that but most of us don't and and up taking our frustrations out on those around us. Have a bad relationship? Some choice to end it or do the same thing as they did with their shitty jobs. All of these things begin and end with tiny choices.
     I think the more ownership we take of those choices the more empowered we'd begin to feel.
So here I am, at the Party, there's music and people and none of them are familiar to me. I make a choice and I breathe in, I fill my lungs and my eyes widen and I see the ebb and flow of the conversations around me. I look for glances that have drifted my way and I see that all of the eyes are focused elsewhere. So I close my eyes and I take another breath and I hear the roar of the crowd. I can't make out any words but I inhale and then I hear it, laughter. It's a joyous laughter that sounds welcoming and I open my eyes and follow the flow and find myself around the joy. It's here I make a choice and live in the moment.

     My next baby step in this life is to get a rehearsal schedule set and work out a set list for the show next month as well as confirm the contact's date and time. Shouldn't be that tough right? What's your next step Party People, feel free to share if you wish. You never know, maybe some of you are on the same page.

Till next time Party People,
Keep on a Chooglin!