Morning Party People,
As I write this is's around 10 am on a Friday morning . Two nights ago I deleted all the games on my PS4 as well as my computer. I feel the need to spend more time with my mind and thoughts instead of focusing them on things other than themselves. At this point in my life I'm also thinking more about my diet as well as my mental health.
A few days ago my friend Bear told me that he can sense the misery radiating off of me. Like my anger enters the room before I do. The moment the words hit my ears I could feel my eyes start to tear up. In the past that's always been a sign that truth is radiating in me. I had to take a moment to force myself not to be defensive about it, even more proof that he had. apoint. I don't know why crying was one of my first instincts , it was a throwback to my 20's, back then I had constructed a world in my mind thinking that no one cared about me. That was a fallacy of course but I was nuts back then and for some reason that was easier to believe in than a world where people did care about me. I think that lie was easier to believe than the truth that I didn't care about me.
So then the work was clear,"Why are you so miserable Dave?"
I started to make a list of the focal points of my life and if they were making me happy or not.
- Jennie? Happy
- Comedy? Happy but could be better.
- Health? Not Happy,
- Day Job? Really not happy.
- Family? Not as close as I should be, but happy.
- Personal Growth and creativity? Neglected so not happy, however it's not making me sad.
So from that list the one that sticks out is the day job. This week I took steps to improve that situation. If my plan works out, I wont see results for a month but even that has lifted a weight off my shoulders. The next was health, my weight being the biggest part of it.
A few years back when I was working at Old Chicago, I got down to 285. I know that's a lot but I have been over 300 lbs for quite some time, so 285 was a big achievement for me. Then when I started working in an office, I had gained 75 lbs. The weird thing was for a big chunk of that time I was going to the gym every other day. I felt helpless, like I had a disease that is going to keep me fat no matter what I do. I know there are a lot of body positivity people out there who think there is nothing wrong with being fat but I'm not one of those people. To me it's not living up to my potential, it's neglecting a responsibility.
This week Ethan Suplee was on The JRE podcast and spoke about his weightloss journey. One of the many things he said that resonated with me was Ethan having to ask himself why he chose to make choices that were so unhealthy for him? So I asked myself, why do I choose to eat in a way that will hurt me in the long run? Don't get me wrong, when I eat candy or anything sweet, I'm not thinking,"Fuck you Dave, eat this ice cream!" So there must be something else going on.
There are a few parts to this, but if I was going to do reduce the whole issue into one word, it would be "Control".
I'm afraid my anger will be let loose and I'll hurt people. If you're fat and out of shape, you won't be able to hurt anyone.
People tell me I'm too fat growing up, I can't confront them . What I can do is say no by not doing what they tell me do and gain weight. I know fat shaming can motivate some people but in my case it had the opposite effect.
When I started the catering position/office job. I felt that nothing I ever did was good enough and I was always being critiqued on everything I did. My weight was never an issue but I think seeing as it was something I did have control of, I choose to eat like shit.
In many of those cases, my inability at the time to confront the issue at hand made me regress to my childhood tactic of using the one form of control I had in my life, which was what food I ate. It was like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. So as these feeling reveal themselves from my subconscious to the. conscious, let us see how I can use them to better myself.
Till next time Party People, Keep on a Chooglin'