Saturday, November 2, 2013

Day 13: Who the hell knows

Morning Party People!
            So I have a new keyboard so my fingers are still getting used to the size and dimensions. It would come to me a lot easier if I knew how to type though.akjfqw;ouefhowr 
            I'm taking a few days off from the cab biz, so far I'm having cabbie withdrawals. I've gotten so used to always having driving on my mind. At the moment I don't feel relaxed, I just feel shitty for not making any money right this second. Holy shit I think I have a problem.
            You ever think of an embarrassing moment you once had and you find yourself cringing? I find myself doing that a lot lately. I have no idea why. I wonder if that's an internal critic of mine that's trying to keep me distracted from something? I sounds about right. Apparently there's a limit of how good I let myself feel, only so happy I can let myself get. I think I have a sneaky fear of disappointment in my life. I seem to remember disappointment being a big thing to me when I was a kid , then at some point it didn't bother me anymore. I think some where along the line I taught myself not to expect anything to good to happen, that way I never have to deal with any disappointment.
              So what is disappointment? The feeling of realization of some sort of failure? Whether it's from my doing or someone else's? What should I have learned back then? Perhaps to be understanding of some one elses efforts or maybe I should have learned to look harder at my own efforts to see where I had failed? I think that's a big thing. I seem to be naturally good at a lot of "smart" things as a kid. So maybe I always expected to be great at everything and didn't learn how to pick myself up after coming up short. Obviously I've had to do this many times but I think I still have that defense mechanism built into my skull. So it's time for a change!
              I'm getting into a better practice of writing my material (thanks to these blogs). 

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