Saturday, October 19, 2013

As promised, day 1

Morning Party People!
           Ok so here's da one of "I just woke up writing". Just to be honest I woke up about 20 minutes ago, I made coffee and put some butter,mct oil as well as some cocconut sugar in it to give it that special taste that seems to make me so happy these days.  I hearthe mct oil is suppose to help with weight loss for sme reason, I believed it yet I have done no research on it, I only have faith that someday this gut of mine will go away and I can be the me that I've always wanted to be.
           Fat is something that I've aleays hated about me, it's the last thing I despise no that  thnk about it.I've learned to love even the worst things about me over the past few years (ever since the rebirth) yet my body still isthe source of much of my dismay. "You're going to get fat, you're going to get fat,'you're oing to get fat,get fat,get fat,get fat, ou're too fat,too fat ,too fat, fat,fat,fat...." It might seem like I'm being overly dramatic but if I look back into a select area of my past I could run a stream of instances where those words we're always thrown at me, usually from people who thought they were helping. Remember when I said that the wonderful yet horrifing thing about mankind is that if you tell a human something long enough eventually they believe it? This is what I believe, I'm fat, have always been fat, will always be fat and will die a blob of failure that people will point and laugh at. When I think about it I get so angry I want to hurt everyone around me, I can't hurt my friends and family though right? I love them, they love me, so what do I do with this anger?
           This is the part where I'm trying to rewire my brain. My MO is to get angry/depressed and rather than do something constructive I take that anger out on me. I do this by eating like shit, eating something horrible like a double whopper, fries, coke oh and don't forget the chocolate pie they have! On the way home I should get something to snack on later, sure I have frozen pizza at home as well as pasta but I could go for a hostess cupcake or some chips right about now. sounds good? Maybe a little gross? I agree completely Party People.
          Here's the thing about addictions to anything, they feel great! If they didn't we wouldn't do them. They feel so good in fact that while they are changing your life for the worse you don't even realise it. Think of an anesthetic for your soul, you're numb, they joy that once was so intense becomes into a desire to not feel anything at all. Well I need to feel again, feel something else besides my stomache anyways. I find myself focusing on what I'm feeling after I eat, I don't want to hate myself anymore when it comes to food but I don't want to be too easy on me either.
           There's some baby steps in here somewhere I know it, I just don't see it just now. I won't get too down on not seeing them as this is only day one =)

Till next time Party People!
Keep on a Chooglin!

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